Description

It happens often: through self-observation we notice something about ourselves that we want to change. Either we want to develop a “good” quality further, or we want to be rid of a “bad” one. We commit to it and… it might even work for a little while, but then… you know how it goes.

But why does this happen?

It happens because one part of us is trying to take responsibility for the whole system. This is the part that wants to fix things. It has good intentions and has implicitly taken on the job of making life work — for us. It tries its hardest, but because it is only one part, it can only produce change by going up against other parts, which also have their own valid reasons for being. This means lasting change towards more ease and peace is never possible this way — only more inner division and polarisation between different parts.

More on this part: The Part That Wants to Fix Things. And on the underlying energetic dynamic: Why Self-Improvement Doesn’t Work.

How the trap works

We are identified with this part — meaning we think its thoughts, feel its feelings, and don’t even realise it’s a part rather than the whole of us. Because wanting to change something that isn’t working feels so self-evidently reasonable, this identification is especially strong and takes some practice to notice.

How to avoid the trap

By falling into it repeatedly and noticing that self-improvement projects decided this way produce no lasting results. And by talking to this part, getting to know it — understanding its motivation, seeing how it operates, noticing the characteristic tension it brings to the body, and so on.

The trap within the trap

As you read what I write about this trap and how to avoid it, there may be a part of you listening very carefully and making plans for how it will avoid this trap from now on. That is… also a part. Possibly the same one.

How to actually avoid the trap

Through genuine presence — meeting this part and others in connection with your own Self. Only in this way can all parts, including the part that wants to fix things, relax. It takes practice and patience, but over time this state becomes more and more recognisable. The underlying aspects of any self-improvement project then become visible too. Which parts, which needs, which fears and hopes are driving it? By understanding the parts that produce the seemingly “bad” behaviour or feeling — and by helping them — those parts can often develop new ways of being that are more in harmony with the whole system, without creating polarisation.

Self-improvement projects prevent real change; self-acceptance enables it. This is the so-called Paradox of Change.