I’ve already described the Self-Improvement Trap. Here I want to look more closely at the inner psychological dynamic at play.
When something about ourselves doesn’t sit right with us, when we want something to be different, we are identified with a part that sees it that way. And that part has good reasons for its view and good intentions: it only wants what’s best for us. It believes it can get there by undertaking this self-improvement project. What it lacks is the wisdom and perspective to see that in doing so, it must fight against other parts — the ones connected to the “unwanted” behaviour or the quality it wants to improve. And those parts also have an important and good intention. Often they are trying, somehow, to fulfil a need that has been suppressed.
But when two parts fight each other internally, they draw from the same reservoir — our life energy. This means neither side of such a polarisation can ever win permanently. Or rather: the longer and harder one side dominates, the more energy it needs to keep the other in check. The other side becomes thoroughly suppressed — it keeps pressing against the wall, but never breaks through into consciousness. Or it erupts occasionally, after which the part that wants to fix things only fights even harder to subdue it.
There is more to say about polarisations in general, but here I mainly wanted to explain why neither side can ever truly win — even if it looks that way in the short term, even if we identify with one side or feel allied with it.
Our task, then, is not to ally ourselves with one side against the other (which is what usually happens), but — in the spirit of the Paradox of Change — to get to know both sides with loving interest, and in doing so discover how we can help them and find a good path forward together.